I shouldn't be reviewing a major film because everyone else will, but this is something that I cannot pass up. Fox has released a new mutie-lover film, starring the canucklehead himself in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Let's not deny the obvious. This movie was made because the fans wanted it. Hugh Jackman has stated that he will play Wolverine as long as the fans want him, which means forever. Fox wants to milk the X-Men franchise for as much as it can since Marvel is producing their new franchises independently. And of course, the women want it because Hugh Jackman is just so sexy as a ruthless killer. What does this mean for die-hard comic book fans who are awaiting the next Iron Man and Dark Knight? It means you better have a date to this one, because you're going to get more action out of her than you will out of this movie. This review will not be pretty. It will, in fact, be a completely justified decimation of what is a teenage-targed necking flick.

First of all, many actors were poorly chosen and the characters were poorly written. Here are a few examples:

Deadpool, one of my favorite Marvel characters, is bastardized into a maskless baton twirler known as "Weapon XI". For some reason, writer Gavin Hood wrote him into a sassy ninja (yes) who becomes Stryker's Franken-mutant-robot-killer (no). You can't imagine how upset I am that Ryan Reynolds, a self-proclaimed Deadpool fan, allowed himself to pull a Nicholas Cage on such a robust character. Granted, there's no room for his fourth wall ability, but jumping the shark with one character tweak is a bad sign. Agent Zero, originally known as Maverick (we can't use that word now), is an Asian hitman with a Bullsye-fixation and not the totally badass precog with a visor worth killing for (he probably did). Oh yeah, Silver Fox has mind control powers and she's sisters with Emma Frost, because that makes complete sense. Seriously, it is not relevant to the story to make these kinds of relationships. You're just adding cameos because you can and not explaining them is probably for the best. And among the last of the most misplaced cameos are Gambit and Cyclops. Gambit is just some young stud (they should have used Rider Strong) who has some tertiary connection with the project and helps Wolverine out in much the same way as Doctor Doom helps out the Fantastic Four. Then we've got Scott Summers as a young boy who gets abducted with the other mutants to steal his powers for Weapon XI. Why? Because we just feel so bad that he died in X-Men 3. Optic blasts are not the coolest power in the book, ask Bolt (Dominic Monaghan) and his magic light bulbs.

To the film's credit, Liev Schreiber played a better Sabretooth than Tyler Mane ("SCREAM FOR ME!"). Instead of the mindless, rug-wearing, wild-man, Victor Creed is now a sadistic serial killer who contributes a lot to the story. Schreiber probably put more effort into the role than anyone else in the film. Seriously, watch the X-Men trilogy for Jackman's performance and then see this. After a few films in the same role, actors tend to get too relaxed and phone it in. Sabretooth probably could have been darker and more murderous, but the "leave it to the audience's imagination" style of the Bolt death scene works very well. In fact, he should have been the main villain, instead of Stryker and his flesh puppet, Deadpool. The whole Wovlerine/Sabretooth dynamic is the cat and mouse game and that has so much value. Oh well, maybe next sequel (no!).

Regarding the story, I'm glad that the general audience will get to see some real Wolverine history. His youth, his natural bone claws and the experimentation at Weapon Plus (that is what it's called). Unfortunately, a lot of what was hinted at in the X-Men films was either avoided or forgotten. Much of the Claremont/Windsor-Smith inspired sequences that we saw earlier are skipped over, making for continuity issues (not the worst ones in the film, mind you). The other things that we have to worry about are Stryker's involvement and the Wolverine/Sabretooth relationship. We've now created backstory that has to fit into existing canon, but we've got the square peg, round hole conundrum.

After reading this, you may be laughing that I was a bit off in my post a while ago, but everyone is allowed to get their hopes up once in a while. In short, I am beyond disappointed in this film. Don't make anymore X-Men films. Wait, what's that? You want to make a Magneto film, too? Damn, you, Fox!